I must have been a bad boy

Someone is punishing me. I just got back from the emergency room here in Columbia. I have a lot of bandages and I don't think I am going to be able to sleep tonight. First off, happy birthday to Alicia! She had her 30th on Friday, and we had a party. Thanks to everyone who came, it was agreat time and good to catch up. So, yah, I was hoping to talk about my new Rock Lobster cross single speed I am rolling, but that will have to wait.

This is what you get when you crash in a bike race. Kind of an anus on your shoulder? I'm not really sure how this massive chunk of shit got torn out of my shoulder, but it sure was nice getting to see the inner workings of the shoulder. This pic was taken after they cleaned all of the rock and dirt out of it without anesthetic. Feels good. Goes nicely with the bad roadrash on my led and arm, the cracked helmet, trashed Mavic Helium rear wheel, destroyed gloves and skinsuit, jacked shoes, and damaged bike. I haven't really assesed all of the damage yet. So yah, I am not too chipper right now. And I probably wont be able to sleep tonight either. On another note:

This is Phom McDaniel, looking fly.

Thanks to everyone that made sure all of our stuff was accounted for after the crash, making sure I was allright, and helping out.

Unless you like overwhelmingly sweet things

Look away.














Also, do not get a hot fudge brownie blast from Sonic unless you like sweet things. It was great, but took me almost 30 minutes to get thru a small. There were a TON of small brownie turds, and the sense of chocolate was overwhelming. Now I am going to go and throw up.

Roof Ornament

Kind of like a hood ornament, you know, the good ol' Caddie' hood ornament made famous by cheesy rappers using them as necklaces. You wouldn't want to use my roof ornament as a neclace, tho,because it was my Cannondale Six13. See, we went to Minneapolis for Micah and Sarah's wedding last Thursday. I brought my bike with plans to ride with Micah and Curt when we got there on Friday, and then a pre-wedding ride on Saturday. And then, race the Stillwater crit on Sunday before coming home. Well, lets just say that the weekend started out like mung. Wed stayed in Des Moines Thursday night since we didn;t leave CoMO till 430. We stopped in Macon for dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Ok, I loaded the car earlier in the day since Alicia was at work. Well, when we got into the restaurant, we discovered that Dilon was quite wet. Wet enough that his colthes were damp. So, we needed to change everything. Well, thats when I discovered that I had left Dillons bag in his room at home. Nice!! So, he had no clothes, toiletries, anything. No PJ's! Fuck!! At least I had bought diapers earlier in the day and left them in the car. So, after waiting for an hour for our food, we were on our way to Dolar General. We made the decision not to roll back to home since that would add another 1.5 hours to an already shitty drive. We made it to Alicias cousins house in Desmoines without incident, except for the fact that D cried a lot. Pleasant. Then he wouldnt sleep when we got there. The roof ornament was covered in bugs. So, I got no sleep that night. Next morning, we roled out around 8, got some coffee (actually I had a depth charge to wake me up). We got to Minn around noonish. Curt and Micah already rode, so I was going to rol around for an hour to chill out a bit. Well, it was a good idea. I brought my frame pump to air up my tubies since they leach air over time. I didn't pump them up before leaving home since I planned on doing it when I got there. Well. my pump was missing an integral part, so it was useless. So, no ride for me that day. We had rehearsal dinner at a realy cool conservation place on a lake. Beer was coinsumed. Then we headed down town to watch the Minneapolis crit in the Nature Valley Grand prix. It started raining fucking buckets on the way down, very hard to drive in. By the time we got there and found a place to park, Micah got the call that the race was called off! Nice. Wasted trip in the rain. So then I had the fun task of driving back to the motel, got lost on the way in the downpour. When we got there, Curt and I went to get beer. Well, Dillon decided he did not want to sleep again and threw a fit for a while. No sleep for us again. Saturday morning, got up ate shitty breakfast. We had to be at the church at 130, and by the time we got around, we decided not to ride. Instead went to Mecca, the Mall of America. A worthy trade off. I love malls. Seriously. Holy crap, there was lots to see. Anyway, if you are up that way, you have to go. So, we came back to Motel Hell and got cleaned up, then Curt and I rolled to the wedding. The ceremony was nice, I videotaped it. Went to the reception where I got first billing on our entrance in the wedding party! I am so pro, holy shit I'm cool. And I make 2000 watts. It of course rained buckets again. Good times. Next day, I decided not to race since it would put us into Columbia too late for my tastes. So yeah, I took my bike almost 1000 miles and didn't ride it. Yesterday I rode my singlespeed at cosmo and had a nice crash. I thought I maybe broke my mp3 player too, I rolled a couple of time and landed on my back, then my bike came next nd I got tangled up in it. But, the mp3 player was ok, the battery cover popped off, thats all. Today I took Franklin out for a Rockstar loop only to receive a call from Alicia mid ride that she was locked out of the house. I didn't hav e my key either. So, when I got home, I had to crawl thru the kitchen window which is about 12 inches tall. I swear, if I could have any more shit happen this week...Friday is Alicias 30th birthday, party at our place at 530. Bring liquor.

Free time

So I am just sitting here rocking down a cold malt liquor and I thought I would post a little something. This past weekend was the state road race/columbia cup crit. All I can say about state road race is that I was hoping I could stay in for 5 or 6 laps. I quit after 2. Yah, I suck. No really, here come the excuses. It was hot. I got mad. It was hot. It was hot. I wasn't having any fun. So I quit. Aside from being hot, I felt ok. Not winning ok, just ok, like maybe riding for a little while and covering a couple of moves, then slowly fading off the back at the halfway point. Heres what happened to make me mad. 2nd lap. Feeling fine. Came thru the little switchback thingy at the intersection of K and KK hwy (that equals KKK for all of you inbreds out there, go figure!!). Actually moved up quite a bit on the short steep hill that follows that intersection. Then got swarmed by a bunch of dudes that put me and the Curtie about 2/3's of the way back. No biggie, but a bunch of attacks went off. Curt and closed some gaps together, we are tight like that. We had one more big gap to close, I pulled, then Curt pulled thru because I was feeling a bit punched. Actually, he pulled for quite a while after that. Then all of a sudden all of these fuckers that were sitting on our wheels came blasting past us to jump across the gap. Faster then I cold jump at the time. I actually envisioned myself throwing fists and elbows and knocking all of them off of their bikes as they went past, and I know that shit doesn't fly in racing (unless you are Jonas Carney). Curt wanted to pull me up to the pack, but my attitude problem was overwhelming and I was seeing red. I figured it would be better to throw out the parachute and roll into the feedzone and quit. I had visions of Steel Reserve in my head anyway. So that was that. Had dinner at Flat Branch during a storm that night. Oh yah, I also worked the corner of Sinclair and Arrowhead lake with Kersha and Jon Bowders. Fun times, I enjoyed stopping all of the construction workers and hicks and telling to watch out for all of the guys in tight fitting, gayly colored spandex clothes on expensive bikes. Sunday was the crit in downtown CoMo. I was on the last corner marshaling it for the first races. Bad move for me, the first race of the day, the first lap, some guy ate total shit going thru my corner. Nice. Made me feel real good about myt race since we would be going faster then anyone else and I am running tubukars that I had never raced in a real crit before. Visions of rolling a tubbie danced through my head like sugarplums. Oh yah, I also moved a bale of hay that was doing absolutely no good in that corner to a nearby light post. Well, in the 3/4 race, TJ stacked it on the last lap and my haybale saved him from hitting the post. Holy shit! I saved the day!! TJ prolly would have won too, he was second wheel coming thru the last corner. That kid is riding like a million bucks, he also took second at the RR the day before. Speaking of riding well, Curt rode like a cham in the crit, covering a shit pile of attacks and taking a beer prime. He doesnt even drink beer!!! So, the crit went well. I rode towards the front part of the race the whole time and felt pretty good, considering I've been putting in 6 hours or less a week on the bike. So I was happy with that. Also, anyone that raced the crit should give a word of thanks to Jon Kersha. He sacrificed racing to watch turn 3 all fucking day. He seriously saved the day, there was some scholar stuff going on on campus, and probably 700 people went through the crosswalk on his corner. He made sure nobody stepped out in front of the race. If he would not have been there, there would have been serious problems. So yeah, buy Kersha a beer or two. He deserves it. Thanks man!!

3 words

Toasted coconut marshmallows. These are definitely made by Satan, they are too good. I think I might just take a baggie full of them for state road race, that way I can stuff my face while getting kicked in the nuts.

So yah, state road race. Saturday. Will definitely be the longest ride of the year if I finish. I am in the process of getting a SS bike going for Alicia, it is going to be boss. What else...I am playing this game on the PS2 called Mad Maestro. It is a rhythm type game, but it is tough. Once again, I get kicked in the nuts every time I play it. It was only 5 bones, tho, so that is a small price to pay for a swift steel toed boot to the scrotum. The other day someone asked meif I ever missed living in Kansas City. I told them that "it is a good place to take a shit, but I dont think I would want to live ther again". So, I went down to the twikligt fest tonigt with Dillon to see Alicia. One thing that really tweaks my testes is all of the stinky hippies down there. As you may or may not know, I hold an intense dislike for hippies. Yesterday as we were heading to Flat Branch, the usual pinko commie hippies were hanging out on the corner of Broadway and Providence protesting the war. I hate that. Even if you dont agree with Bush, support the troops. They are protecting your right to protest. If I didn't have a new kid and wasn't such an old bastard, I would go myself. Anyway, I gave the hippies the finger. So, yeah, some dirty stinking hippie approached me with some flyer stating that we should end our occupation in Iraq. I thought about taking it and wadding it up in her face and then throwing it on the sidewalk, thus killing 2 hippie "birds" with one stone: protesting the war and saving the planet. Yah I am a nice guy. But, I didn't do that. Just ignored her.

Bike for sale.

Title says it all. 950$ and this could be yours. Email me. Also includes a shimano front wheel (not pictured). Orbea Pista 55cm track bike. Deda Spectrum oversized carbon bars. Cinelli Solido stem. Campagnolo chorus integrated headset. FSA Vigorelli track cranks with carbon spider and 49 tooth ring, 167.5mm crankarms. FSA track bottom bracket. 14 tooth cog. Suzue high flange hub, 36 hole, laced to a Mavic MA3 rim. KMC track chain. Ritchey Pro seatpost. Time Milenium carbon fork. Kenda Kaliente tires. Fast and super stiff, with added gussets at the down/head/top tube and gussets on the seatstays. Columbus airplane aluminum tubing, shaped and swagged for maximum efficiency. Fork drilled for front brake. No dents, dings, scratches, anything. This bike has barely been ridden. Included Shimano wheel has been ridden, but it is straight and true and will work fine. And, if you are a complete fashion plate like me, the silver/blue/black of the wheel matches the bike. Also, take note that the lettering on the carbon bars also matches the color scheme asl well as the silver bar tape. Seriously, buy this bike!! Email me with questions.

I want to ride my SS

I decided not to do the mtb race at landahl park in kc today. Good move, it is raining there right now. The rest of this past week has been pretty uneventful. Work was the norm. We had our monthly picnicn and I came away from it with the usual monthly stomach ache. Yah, I thought I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom as soon as the picnic was over. We have 2 bathrooms at work, one upstairs and one downstairs. The upstairs one is cleaner since not a lot of people use it, and warmer too. Downstairs is like a meatlocker, and while not dirty (unlike the crappers at Wal Mart where I have seen things like poo-graffiti on the walls to poop in the urinals), it is used more by the peeps that work down there. So, I ran up the stairs to hit the can, only to find it occupado by someone else whose meal prolly didn't agree. So, back downstairs, urgent pace, thought about undoing my jeans on the way there. What else? Friday night we had mexican food with an unamed party to be disclosed later. Said unnamed party also came over to our house after Dillon went to bed and hung out. Rode yesterday with Kersha. alicia got some good news, she passed her counseling test and now is a for real licensed counselor. I am very proud of her. Dillon is feeling better I think, he is eating some food other then graham crackers and drinking some formula again finaly. Not a lot else.

Fun times indeed.

I had a blog entry on my Treo, but I lost it. Shit! So, we went to St Joe last weekend. Alicia and I drove up separately because I wanted to get the roof rack that was on our Subaru on my car since I had the right clips. Friday night we went to Hoof and Horn, the best steak house in St Joe with my pops and Grandma and Tina (my dads hot girlfriend).

So, Saturday Mark met me and we went out on the road for a few hours. Did my favorite loop, DeKalb via VV and back, pretty tough loop with lots of rollers and wind. Came home and sport ate, then A, D, and I went up to Clarinda for the night. Alicia was having a family reunion on Sunday. Her family watched Dillon while we went out to eat by ourselves for the first time in 4 months. I got up early the next day and rode for about 3 hours. Holy crap, it was windy, we are talking Corpus Christie TX wind, 25-30MPH sustained. Special thanks goes out to my MP3 player, without it I would have cracked. Post ride food at the reunion. Pretty bunk. Went back to StJ and dinner once again with my Grandma, this time at Denny's. Even worse food. Monday, I rolled out early on the SS up to Krug park for some trails. They have cut a TON of new trails, and they are very nice. I actually found myself getting lost a little. The riding there is a lot different, not really and rock, mostly well packed narrow dirt singletrack. Afterwards, things startd going downhill fast. Even tho it was sunny when I left, the skys started to darken. I still had not put the rack on my car yet and I had to change the clips with my limited tool supply in my car, and I had to do it outside. Of course it started raining. So, i got a bit of shelter under a lattice porch that had a piece of plywood on the top of it. OK, just to explain a little, the roof rack was being stored at this guys house that owns a salvage service. Well, his house burned up (fire), so he was not there. My roof rack had been sitting in the elements for a while, and the bolts for the clips were rusted. Next to impossible to get off, and I am getting soaked. Then, I twisted the head off the last bolt. Of course, the new fuckng clips did not have fresh bolts, so I almost abandoned the rack. But I decided to put it on with only the rear load bars connected and drive out to Alicias moms to find a bolt. Also, my air conditioner quit working. Very nice, I am glad I wasted a shower because I am sweating like crazy by now. Luckily, I found a blown fuse under the hood and got it going again. Well, I got the rack installed out at moms house. Then we came home, of course we hit numerous bad storms on the way. Dillon has been sick.

I have problems

So I stayed home from work today due to the fact that I would have had to spend the majority of the time there in the bathroom. So, I called hey! Blake this morning and told him I wouldn't be in. So yesterday. The mountain bike race. Since I was already in the hurt box from my firefighters physical exam I decided not to race the single speed for fear of putting my body in more distress. Ok, flashback to Saturday. I got up and rolled out to the firefighter training center after spending most of the morning in the bathroom. Took the single speed there. So, I passed my test in a time of 4:37 which was not too shabby considering the time cut was 6 minutes. The test was harder then I thought it would be. I had to don full firefighting gear including super heavy pants and fireproof coat, fireproof gloves, firefighters helmet, and an oxygen pack. So, that brought my total body weight from my usual 155 pounds up to 225. First up, I had to climb up a ladder truck with the ladder fully extended at 70 degrees, a height of probably 8 stories. Pretty painfull with all of the extra weight, my legs started burning about 3/4 of the way up. It was already pretty warm outside, so I was already starting to sweat pretty heavy by the time I finished. Next up was a blind crawl through a burned building. 100 feet, hands and knees, wearing an oxygen mask with a blinder on so I couldn't see. I had to hold onto and follow a hose on the floor and navigate around obstacles. Pretty cool, not too tough and it helped me recover a bit. After that, the timed portion started. You are not allowed to run, just walk fast. First up, drag a firehose 75 feet and put it down. The drag on the hose got progressively harder towards the end, but no sweat. Then I had to carry 2 30 pound med packs 75 feet and set them down. Next was a charged (full of water) hose carry for 75 feet. This one was tough, the hose was heavy and got very hard to pull the last 10 feet. Next was a simulated forced entry, basically 10 strikes with overhead blows with a sledgehammer to a target. I did this very quick. Next, I had to shoulder a 50 pound hose pack and carry it up 4 stories in a building and set it down. I had to go down one story after that and hoist a hose up to me, then let it down in a controlled manner. Then back down to the ground to drag a 160 pound dummy holding it under the armpits, walking backwards, for 100 feet. That was the last part. Man, it was tough and I could definitely feel it in my body when I was finished. But, I am pretty happy, there were a lot of people who did not make the time cut. So, next comes part 3, the oral interview. Scary. Ok. After the test, I rode home in my soaked with sweat jeans and t-shirt. We went and had some lunch (after hitting up the bathroom), and we came home and I took a 15 minute nap. Went to the bathroom again, then rode out to Cosmo for a preride of the race course. I crept slow, but still managed to make it around in 30 minutes. So, I knew that we would be turning 20-22 minute laps. Then came home and tried to relax for the rest of the night. Got up Sunday and chilled around the house while Alicia ran the 5k with Dillon. Rode up to the race around 1130 and registered and kind of got my warmup on. There was a pretty good turnout with some guys from StL showing up including Chris Ploch (fast guy). Luke Musselman was there too, so I figured it would be fast since he is rolling good right now. Started out hard, went into the woods in 7th position since I am not a great starter. However, I started picking people off. I only got passed by one guy, and I thought I might catch him again eventually, but I didn't. I felt pretty good, and I was totally happy with the way I rode considering how I felt pre-race. Brady was there too, and looked strong, but double flats took him out of the race. Luke also flatted and pulled the plug. I ended up doing 4 laps for a total of 20 miles in an hour and 37 minutes. I made sure to eat and drink a lot and took a lot of endurolytes too, even tho at the end I was fighting off cramps. So, I finished 6th, in the money, so I made a little cash and I also won a prize in the raffle, a much need mini pump. Yay! So, I came home and spent more time in the bathroom, and then we went to Shakespeares. I have to give props to Dan Clinkenbeard and the rest of CBC for putting on a well run event with lots of prizes. The results were fast, the course was well groomed, and there were t-shirts for entering the race. Also, Clink maintains the trails out at cosmo meticulously. It would suck riding out there without him. So this morning, in between potty breaks, I got out on the singlespeed to spinout my tired legs and hopefully limit the damage to my old tired body. Rolled with Curt and Thomas. So, thats about all I have for now, but this final tidbit: Kersha was not in attendance at the MTB race in his rubber suit. I was very dissappointed.

Ewwww...

Holy crap,. I have some sort of stomach flu or something going on. I wont go into details, but life has been pretty miserable for the past three days. I am going to try and race my mountain bike today, hopefully I wont have a "movement" while I am doing that. Last night we went to the kershas for some bar-be-que picnic. Good times. Jonathan is supposed to make a costumed guest appearance at the race today, that will be worth the price of admission alone. I am still trying to decide whether I want to do the single speed class or the expert class. My back is sore from some strenous activity I did yesterday morning. More on that later, but I can say that I went deep into the hurt box. Should be hot and very humid on the trails today. I'll have a race report later.

Jo Jo's Kiddie Duds

This is a place in Ashland, next to where I work. Co not shop there. I have a real problem with the lady that owns the place, smokey Jo. Today, I was getting ready to go upstairs and warm up my lunch. I walked outside and got ready to go in the door going upstairs when I noticed a baby bird was out of its nest above the door and was on the step in front of the door. About that time one of the guys that works upstairs was coming out, so I told him to be careful not to hurt the bird. The mama bird was up on the wire chirping madly. So, I did not want to go in for fear that I would hurt the baby. Well, ol'boy from upstaris came back out to go in so we made sure he did not hurt the bird. I decided not to warm up my lunch for fear of getting the bird trapped or hurt. So, I ate cold leftover mexican food. Yuck. So, I noticed one of the other guys who has an business down the street getting ready to go in there. He was standing looking at the bird trying to decide what to do when old JoJo comes out and kicks the bird, hard, off the step into the street under a car. Fucking bitch. I am so mad right now I can hardly think straight. So, no more baby bird and the mama is looking all over for it with food in her mouth. Pretty sad. So, don't under any circumstances, shop there. If you find any dead birds, make sure you place them on the steps in front of her business.

What matters

You now, a while back (actually about 10 months), I decided there was a lot more to life then bike racing. You know, every cyclist dreams of becoming a pro, whether it is racing domestically ar going over to Europe and racing there. I had a chance to go to Europe that fell apart before it really materialized, riding for a low budget D3 team a few years ago. Things went south due to loss of sponsorship money for the team because of all of the doping and drug scandals at the time (Cofidis). Looking back, it is probably better that it didn't happen. I could have eaten shit repeatedly, started doping, hated it, or worse loved it and stayed over there. Either way, it may have changed the future and things that are going on now may not have happened. I watched Back to the Future last night. Don't get me wrong, I am still going to race and train and whatnot, but I am not going to beat myself up if life gets in the way. All I am trying to say is don't take yourself too seriously. Have fun. Stay young. Drink pepsi.

This is funny

Here is an example of how attached people are to their cell phones. I won't mention the people that just HAVE to be on the phone while driving, or in the checkout, or while waiting on a table, or having dinner with their family. No, this one takes the cake. Alicia, Dillon, and I were at Hy-Vee having chinese food for lunch (big mistake, I paid for it later and the next day). I had to go to the bathroom (sign of things to come, but it was number one, not a deuce). Anyway, I walk in and there is some dude in the stall dropping a bomb talking on his phone. At first I thought he was talking to himself, maybe coaching himself on getting the most out of his dump. But, lo and behold, he walked out of the stall holding his phone to his ear. To make matters worse, he didn't wash his hands!! How gross is that!! I'm sure he went out into the store and fingered all of the food he could, making sure to spread his funk all over the place. What else? Yesterday was mother's day, we had a pretty chill day and went to the mall, had breakfast and lunch, I grilled some food for dinner, and we just relaxed. The extent of my riding was running errands on Friday. Sounds like Joe martin was a pretty substantial beating, glad I wasn't there. Oh yah, I helped the Dude move into his new house. I figure that was a good workout on Saturday. And sport eating. I did a bit of that over the weekend too. My Orbea is on Ebay along with my D/A wheels. Buy them! I would rather sell them locally.

Who knew May had 111 days?

Zing!!

the Gun Show

So yah, Alicia has been giving me a bit of shit about the fact that I have been working out my upper body a lot this year. It all started before I got the screws (titanium!!) installed in my shoulder. I started lifting at the gym 4 times a week to try to build some extra muscle so I wouldn't completely waste away over my down time while I healed. I just started to get some good muscle for the first time in years, I am usually a skinny little buttfu#k due to lots of time on the bike. So, after surgery, I was inactive for a while. I really got fat, according to the Meathead. Well, after my doc gave me the go-ahead, I started to work out and ride a bit again. But I was a wreck. Out of shape, no muscles, nothing. I started going to the gym again, it was nice because I could take Dillon with me, and he would usually sleep while I lifted. Now, however, the kid likes to play too much to sleep at the gym. So I invested in some of the resistance bands so I could use them at home. First, let me say, they actually work pretty good. Let me just get to the point. Having a resistance band snap is not a good thing. I bought an extra-heavy (yes, thats right) band to replace the heavy band that I snapped the other day. Well, yesterday, I was using it, and lo and behold, the nylon webbing abound the handle ripped while I was using it for curls. The band has a rubber ball on the end that goes into the nylon webbing after pasing through a brass grommet. So, i was left holding the handle in my hand as the ball and grommet rocketed towards my the top of my bare foot at mach 5 speed. You can imagine what happened next. The top of my foot turned black, it bled where the grommet cut me, and I have a lump the size of a golf ball on my foot. I seriously thought I'd broke my foot. I fucking swear, something always happens to my foot at this time of the year. Last year, i stubbed my toes on the couch leg and my foot turned an interesting shade of purple. So yeah, that hurt like a son of a bitch. Other stuff. Not that I give a fuck one way or the other, but to clear up some shit that alicia has been slinging, there were more then 4 people in the MTB race the other day. I rode the mtb yesterday at cosmo, against my better judgement due to all of the rain, but the trails for the most part were ok. A little wet, but not bad. I am selling my track bike. Please buy it, I don't want to put it up on ebay. It is VERY fucking dope, I really don't want to sell it, but a certain Gunnar single speed mountain bike with pink and black flames is calling out to me. It would be more practical anyway, the Orbea has no brakes and I refuse to put them on. I'll prolly rarely, if ever, get to a velodrome. I can use the gunnar to roll around town with Dillon and Alicia, and maybe enter a couple of races on it. I always said singlespeed racing is for people who need excuses for losing races, so now my wife won't be able to blame it on a low field. What else...I am taking the firefighter exam on Saturday. Slightly nervous about that one. I have had some sort of stomach ailment, I dont know whether it is bad food, but not a lot of fun. Ok, now I am tired of typing and my laptop is starting to get warm on my legs. Bye for now. Actually, I should be a cool guy and post some song lyrics here since all of the cool kids are doing it:BLOODHOUND GANG LYRICS

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Vulcanize the whoopee stick
In the ham wallet
Cattle prod the oyster ditch
With the lap rocketBatter dip the cranny ax
In the gut locker
Retrofit the pudding hatch
Ooh la laWith the boink swatter
Marinate the nether rod
In the squish mitten
Power drill the yippee bog
With the dude piston
Pressure wash the quiver bone
In the bitch wrinkle
Cannonball the fiddle cove
Ooh la laWith the pork steeple

Holy crap, I am cool.

"Do you guys have my meat tenderizer??"

That was a quote from Curt earlier this evening while we were grilling at his place. This weekend has been pretty uneventful, except that my wife graduated with her masters degree!!! Congrats to Alicia!!! Dillon, me, her mom Bev(erly), and aunt Sandra went to graduation yesterday. We are very proud of her, especially Dillon. We had lunch at Flat Branch yesterday, big surprise there, and I decided to break my rule and have a beer in the middle of the day. Not a bad idea, but I had a small ride planned for later. No biggie, tho, just a parade loop with some high wattage efforts interspersed in between riding on the path thru MU. Right now, my wife is just on my shitlist. She is talking to Bev(erly) and made a comment aboot me. Anyway, back to the weekend wrap-up. Today I decided to race my mountain bike for the first time in 3.5 years. Interesting. The race was in Marceline, MO on some private land, which, roughly translated, means new trails unpacked in shitty, muddy condition with some lame super deep (up to the calipers on my disc brakes) water crossings, a course in which the conditions only deteriorated over the course of the day. Yah, no fun, I got really dirty (I hate that), my bike is a mess, and I got fourth. Big deal. I did discover, that with the exception of the people from CoMo that I had never really talked to before, most of the guys racing today were dicks. I did get to roll with Andy Schutte, Curt (?) who loaned me a water bottle, and a couple of other people from Columbia who were way cool (sorry, I am bad with names). Anyway, the course was slooooow, soft, and slooooow. There were a ton of things I cold complain about, but oh well. Thats not what I am here for. I am here to entertain you, so here goes. 1. My gas smells like Accelerade. I drank the stuff today, and topped off the tank with accel-gels. 2. I watched Thomas' dog poop tonight and the dig a 3 foot trench around it to cover it up. 3. We went over to Curt and Kristas for a cookout tonight, they are great and I am happy to have them as friends. Also, Curt likes fast corners and his Felt corners super fast!!! Throwback!!! 4. I crashed and hurt my leg today, I think I am going to have to amputate it, maybe we can grill it up and have it with a nice Chianti.

BA Ozenberger

Think A-Team. This is a funny story. Last year when we were in Tucson, Matt Racine (Titus), TJ, and my self decided one night to escape the drama of the 12 man apartment we were staying in and rolled up to Barnes and Noble in the suburban. Little did we know, we were in store for a night of weirdness. We went in and started looking at books and magazines. I was scoping out a book, an autobiography of Boy George to be exact, when this little girl came up to me. Thinking "WTF, kids usually don't like me because I am scary looking", she started talking to me. Sh requested that I read a book about a bunny to her. Feeling a bit weird, but seeing how needy she was, we sat down in the kids section at a wee table with tiny chairs, and I proceded to read to her. Some lady came up, and, thinking she worked there, I told her that I thought this little girl was lost. She didn't work there, but she went to the front of the store and got a worker. In the meantime, Titus and TJ had joined in on the reading session. Then her mother showed up. She was a real piece of work, dirty, smarmy looking and overweight. She started kind of yelling at her kid in front of us, then proceeded to walk away with her without a word of thanks for keeping an eye on her. No biggie. When we left, the "mom" was outside smoking with a bunch of dirty guys while her daughter sat inside alone in the coffee shop. Really mad me mad and I wanted to go over and tell her that she was a bad mother. So we left B & N and started heading back to the apartment. We took Speedway Boulevard which is a 3 lane divided busy street with a 40 MPH speedlimit. We were in the middle lane when some dick in a Ford Lightning SVT flew past us, cut us off, then proceeded to weave in and out of traffic, all going prolly 65 or faster. We ended up stopped at a stoplight next to him. Keep in mind, Titus was driving, TJ was in the back seat, and I was rolling shotgun. So, since I am driving monitor and I have a bad attitude, I rolled down the window and said "Hey man, why don't you learn how to drive that thing?!?" The guy rolled down the window and he looked like this fucking guy, Judge Doom from Roger Rabbit, but after he freaked out and his eyes got all big and red and he had that little bit of blond hair on top of his head.

This guy was also totally ripped with muscles, tan, and probably hopped up on goofballs. Anyway, this dude totally freaked out. When the light turned green, he was swerving towards us all the way down the road, trying to hit us or run us off the road. He was yelling and cussing, fucking going nuts. I look over and Matt is losing it, I am thinking about what might be in the car that I could use to beat this guy with cause I was sure that we would stop at another light and he would get out and I would have to fight him. Now, I am usually not one to back down from a fight, but this guy was out of his mind. I think one of us would have ended up in the hospital at least. TJ is just sitting in the back, looking like he might throw up. So, I am thinking I can call Curt on my cell and just roll to the apartment and maybe this guy will follow and he can have everybody outside waiting. But, to my relief, he finally turned and went on a side street. Matt was like "Holy fuck!! What the fuck just happened???" And I was like, "we almost got killed. Sorry guys, I guess I'll keep my mouth shut next time someone acts like an asshole". The best part, and the tension breaker, is right after that, I cut this huge, long, but unstinky loud fart. At least we had some stories to tell when we got home.

Wow, another update

Have you ever seen "The Toy" with Jackie Gleason and Richard Pryor? Great movie. I have been watching it in my car. Last night was the first Tuesday night race I have been to this year. Pretty fun. Except the fact that when the race started, Jon, Curt and I were waiting a little down the road to get in the ride, of course there were cars coming and there was an SUV behind the field. So we pulled out, chased to the suv. He kept braking, and wouldn't pass the people who had already been dropped from the race. There were some attacks going off, and they were just rolling away becase we were behind this schmoe. Curt rolled up the gutter, which was scary to watch, I wouldn't have taken that chance. Finally the guy goes around, and Kersha and I are left to close a 50 second gap by ourselves. We made it, but holy shit, it was painful. So, then after getting back to the group, I was pretty much fine. I didn't work or anything, just worked on getting a bit comfortable and closing gaps. I wish I would be able to be a geek and report all of my wattage data and how long I stayed in each of my zones, but really, that stuff is for homos. I am old school, I don't use a heart rate monitor, or cyclecomputer. So all I can say is that it was fun. I went around twice, and the Kersha and I rolled back. I even made it home in time to get cleaned up and put the little guy to bed. Yay! So there you go, yesterday in a "ballsack" (kind of like "in a nutshell").

So I guess I'll update this thing. First, I guess I am a fair weather racer. I was looking forward to the Tour of StL this weekend, but the threat of rain kept me away. Yah, thats right, no excuses, just sheer wuss-ness. There will be other races, tho, and actually, we needed to go home and see family anyway. So, a relaxing weekend in st joe. No riding, I was actually going to go out and do some training in the rain, but I woke up Saturday with a cold. Nice. So, I packed my bike and all my gear to st joe for mothing. What else... I am doing a mountain bike race for the first time in years this coming weekend. Dillon is saying dad and daddy, which is pretty cool... fitting, the first time I heard him say it was at the grocery store in the liquor department. I have the new tool album to listen to at work today. I am hoping to get out for a short ride this afternoon before going to a couple of doctor appointments. We had mexican food for 3 mights in a row, that is some kind of record?!? Needless to say, no more latino cuisine for a while. I almost paniced this morning, I couldn't find my phone, I called it and it didn't ring anywhere in the house. I was scared that I had set it on the roof of the car at the grocery store last night, in the hood, I could see some baller walking around with his shiny grill flashing as he called all of his homies on my blinging palm Treo 650. But alas, it turned up in the car in Dillon's stroller. Also would have been bad because I keep my drivers license, debit card, and various other items in my phone case. This is not your run of the mill gaywad strap to your belt I am a stooge construction worker but I am trying to look white collar dork black faux leather belt case that is so popular these days. No, it is a Tumbuk2 Ipod case I custom modded to fit my palm, color coordinating with my man-purse, also Timbuk2. That would have been tragic indeed. What else...woot.com sux, they have been selling lame ass jive turkey junk, except today, they have a 40gig mp3 player for 150 bones. A good deal, but I dont need one unfortunately. Alicia is doing good, this is her last week of clients, finally, so we will be freed up to do some other stuff. Thats all for now. Actually, on a final note, if you have one of those clip to the belt quick draw mcGraw phone holsters so that your smell phone is always at the ready, kind of like a cop with his gun, get rid of it you dork. Get a sense of style or get rid of your phone. You are not a cool guy because you have a phone anymore; people picking up their welfare checks have cell phones (we are paying for them, I'm sure), hide your phone like you do with the salami, people will think you are stealth. Oh yeah, one more thing there Robocop, if you have a bluetooth ear piece, for god's sake, get rid of that retarted thing too. You look like a moron walking around with that thing in your ear and noone thinks you are cool, just a tech geek robot android wannabe who wants to look like they are important half the people I see with them in their ear aren't even talking.

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